Some pastoral jokes!!!

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

        His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

        The son replied, "I do know!"

        "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

        "It's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' 

                                       

                                        *****

 

        There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

        "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

        The lady said, "Only the 10 Commandments!"

                                        

                                               *****

 

        Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and then there are those who wake up in the morning

and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning!'

                                   

                                                  *****

 

        A Priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times.  If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses.'

        When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years.  If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.  Lead us not into temptation.'

                                       

                                               *****

 

        There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new building program.  The bad news is that it's still out there in your pockets!"

                                       

                                              *******

 

         A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

        A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

        "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

        "You know .. Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

                                   

                                            ******

 

        A Minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

        "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

        The Minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

                                       

                                           ********

 

        People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.. !!!

                                          

                                           ********

 

        Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.  The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"  Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

        Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

        He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

                                   

                                           ********

 

        A Priest in Mumbai was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with additional money for repairs to the church building. So he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

        "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

        During the service, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need Rs. 4,00,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge Rs.10,000 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "Jana-gana-mana."

 

And that's how the substitute organist became the regular organist!

 

.

__,_._,___

--
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." ~ Socrates

Dimaag Kharab

 

Main kal bazaar ja raha tha

Ke meri chappal toot gai

AB chappal to "moochi" seeta hai

"seeta" to "darzi" bhi hai

"darzi "to "kapray" seeta hai

"kapray" to "rangeen" hotay hain

"rangeen" to "lota" bhi hota hai

" lota" to "bathroom" main hota hai

"bathroom" main to "nal" bhi hota hai

"nal" to "lohay" ka hota hai

"lohay" ki to "istiri" (Iron) bhi hoti hai

"istri" to "garam" hoti hai

"garam" to "Custard" bhi hota hai

"custard" to "peela" hota hai

"peela" to "chooza" bhi hota hai

"chooza" to "anday" main se nikalta hai

"anda" to "sufaid" hota hai

"sufaid" to "doodh" bhi hota hai

"doodh" to "bhains" daity hai

"bhains" to "kaali" hoti hai

"kaala" to "bangali" bhi hota hai

"bangali" to "paan" khata hai

"paan" to "laal" hota hai

"laal" to "gulab"bhi hota hai

"gulaab" main to "kantay' hotay hain

"kantain" to "machli" main bhi hotay hain

"machli' to "acchi" hoti hai

"achcha" to "Bander" bhi hota hai

"bander' to! "bander' hota hai

Padhne walay "bunder" jaisay hi hotay hain

"Jo padh kar apna time barbad

Karte hain.."

Well..

Ooper wale nay aap ko

Bheja to bheja .

"per bheja to

Aisa bheja...."

Ki

"bheje mein bheja hi nahi

Bheja.".

Ye mujhe kisi

NE bheja ..

Isliye Maine aap ko bheja....

Aap ko Bura Laga ?

Toh Aap Kisi

Aur ko Bhej Do.

Hisaab...barabar 

 

GANPATI BAPPA MORYA

 


 

--
"Have you Noticed that this month of August 2009 has 5 Saturday's, 5 Sunday's & 5 Monday's. This kind of a 'calenderic feat' occurs once in 823 years." - Swami Harryanand

nothing gets better then this!

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same ti me, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu......?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Things I believe

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born

A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . .  Relax . . .  And read this

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other..
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...

That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance.  Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything ~ or nothing ~ and have the best time.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe.......
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others;
sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different...
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe....
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

 

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of anything

 

Super creative................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really Superbb

 

move the mouse over the picture

 

http://www.artistsindevon.com/water/water_1.htm

 

 

 

 

--
Best,

Yogesh
CEON Solutions Ltd

Mob:  +9...,
Landline:  +9... & 23

Skype id: harryc18
Gmail chat:harry@ceon.in
twitter:harrychoudhary

Corporate Office:
1st Floor, CIIE, IIMA
Vastrapur, Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India - 380 015

Marketing Office:
901-909, Shiromani Complex,
Nr Nehrunagar Circle, Satellite Road, Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India - 380 015

Humour in Uniform!

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, 'What time is it?' 
 
The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'
 
The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it make?'
 
The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3
 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If
 it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
 
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 

'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. 'Yours is.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
 
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. 

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,

He asked, 'What do you want?' 
 
'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

 Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?' 
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
 Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer!
 Now let's try it again!' 
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?'
 Soldier: 'No, SIR!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

 Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? 
A: He'll tell you. 
 
Q: What's the difference between God and  fighter pilots? 
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
 
 
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? 
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane  shuts down. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
 
An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. 
 
The General shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a  whore-house! ' 
 
The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

 'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.' 
 
'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in  line again!' 

if u can hold on for 18 sec...ur genious!

check ur..

 

http://best-flash-game.freetzi.com/

--
Best,

Yogesh
CEON Solutions Ltd

Mob: +91 9824154674,
Landline: +91 79 30070617 & 23

Skype id: harryc18
Gmail chat:harry@ceon.in
twitter:harrychoudhary

Corporate Office:
1st Floor, CIIE, IIMA
Vastrapur, Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India - 380 015

Marketing Office:
901-909, Shiromani Complex,
Nr Nehrunagar Circle, Satellite Road, Ahmedabad, Gujarat, India - 380 015

Cup

Hi!

What keeps most people stuck? It is the underlying assumption that
we don't have what we need. It is the idea that we're missing
something. We need more of everything - you name it, we need it:
more time, money, energy, information, certainty, resources.
Without these, we tell ourselves, we can't do what we want to do.

This perception that there is something missing or we don't have
what we need to create what we want is the biggest source of
unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the world today. It is also the
greatest lie we tell ourselves. It causes us to dream about
"becoming" something big, to hold out for doing that one big thing
that is so big that we can't see a way to do it, let alone get
started.

We have fallen in love with the idea of becoming more than we are,
and that very belief keeps us stuck were we are. We are on an
endless search for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, all
the while not realizing that we are standing on the pot of gold.

Many people travel their entire lives on this journey, believing
they will find true happiness when they finally get somewhere when,
in fact, they are lost right where they are.

The reason people find themselves getting stuck is because they
don't think who they are is enough - enough to get that promotion,
enough to close that next big account, enough to be financially
independent. This causes us to resist the way things are for the
way we want them to be in the future.

Before you can create your future, you have to accept the way you
are right now. You have everything you need right now.

Here is an analogy:

People living in scarcity and struggle see the cup as half empty.
People who are positive thinkers see the cup as half full.
People who understand their true connection to Source Energy see
the cup as overflowing. But people who are living in the Flow and
in Alignment know they ARE the cup.

What's keeping you from seeing yourself as "The Cup"?

Today will bring you a new awareness, a lesson or a manifestation
that you are making progress - IF YOU LOOK FOR IT!  No matter how
large or small, please record it. It will only take a few moments
and will AUTOMATICALLY put you in the Flow.

Truly Caring for Your Success!

Proud facts

Q. Who is the GM of Hewlett Packard (hp) ?
A. Rajiv Gupta

Q. Who is the creator of Pentium chip (needs no introduction as 90% of the
today's computers run on it)?
A. Vinod Dahm

Q. Who is the third richest man on the world?
A. According to the latest report on Fortune Magazine, it is Azim Premji,
who is the CEO of Wipro Industries. The Sultan of Brunei is at 6 thposition now.

Q. Who is the founder and creator of Hotmail (Hotmail is world's No.1 web
based email program)?
A. Sabeer Bhatia

Q. Who is the president of AT & T-Bell Labs (AT & T-Bell Labs is the creator
of program languages such as C, C++, Unix to name a few)?
A. Arun Netravalli
Q. Who is the new MTD (Microsoft Testing Director) of Windows 2000,
responsible to iron out all initial problems?
A. Sanjay Tejwrika

Q. Who are the Chief Executives of CitiBank, Mckensey & Stanchart?
A. Victor Menezes, Rajat Gupta, and Rana Talwar.

Q. We Indians are the wealthiest among all ethnic groups in America,
even faring better than the whites and the natives.

Fancy dress!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Emotions - nice article

A Typical day: Alarm goes off and you continue to sleep, suddenly you wake up. You are late. You are upset. First encounter with Emotion. You run, grab a cab. Reach office. It's late. You are scared. You are nervous. Emotions. You focus. Share a joke with friends. Get an appreciation mail. You are happy. Emotions - again. While crossing road taxi splashes water on you. You are furious. Emotions - again & again. Kids playing. You smile. Emotion-yet again. And life goes on in this roller coaster of emotions!

 

The word emotion has come from the Latin word 'emovere' which means 'to move'. Something which moves us is an emotion. Centuries ago when man was a caveman, all of his survival decisions were based on emotions. Neo-cortex or the thinking brain was not developed and learning was purely emotional. Simplest of decisions were driven by emotional memory like whether to stay in particular place based on what happened there yesterday, if he was attacked by predators there, fight or flight?. Learning was all based on emotions stored in 'Amygdala' (part of brain responsible for processing emotions and storing them, otherwise called 'feeling brain'). As human beings evolved, neo-cortex or new brain got developed. New-cortex is mainly responsible for thinking (logic/reasoning). In other words, it's called the 'thinking brain'. However evolution of new brain in no way discards the importance of Amygdala or the 'feeling brain'. Even after centuries the way our brain works- we still FEEL before we think!

 

Let's look at the simplest of decisions you make day in and day out. For instance, you have to make a decision on whether to take stairs or the elevator to go down from second floor. Most people will press the button for elevator and then take the stairs! Surprised? Well that's purely because this is the way our brain functions. It's the feeling that comes first, somewhere in your feeling brain you have the memory of comfort associated with elevators and that makes you press the button without any thought. However when you get down to waiting, you realize and reason you could very well take the stairs as its only second floor. That's how emotions govern smallest of decisions to biggest of challenges in life.

When you are making biggest decisions of your life, no matter how strong the facts, if something is not feeling right, chances are you won't go for it. How one is feeling when he/she enters the boardroom more or less decides how he/she is going to look at the figures presented, points raised, perspectives shared. If one is upbeat or happy in general, while discussing the possibilities or new business opportunities he or she will generally look at things presented in a positive manner and vice versa. There was a recent article in Harvard Business Review on how one feels while entering a business meeting dictates the course of meeting and decisions made.

 

Emotions are body's manifestation of information received and processed, simply ignoring them has helped no one. They are to be understood and managed, which we all know is easier said than done. Emotions have lot of energy ( positive and negative), anyone who is angry and want to thump the table knows it, anyone who feels furious and wants to scream or cry out loud knows it, anyone jumping with joy knows it. It is this energy in different emotions we want to harness and channel which can only happen once we are able to perceive, assess and manage emotions of ourselves and those of others. That's Emotional Intelligence is all about!

-Harry

Dr zakir Naik

What Dr Zakir says.....u can listen to his other thoughts, in you tube.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjmNV6k9loU&NR=1

--
Best,

Yogesh

Mob:  +91 9824154674 ,
Landline:  +91 79 30070617  & 23

Skype id: harryc18
Gmail chat:harry@ceon.in
twitter:harrychoudhary

U r very special

Message

U r very special 4 me... U should be safe always.... U should be safe my dear... I cant be with u all time.... So please be careful wenever u Jump from tree 2 tree...

.................................................

"A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime."

.................................................

A bachelor Man asked his physician, "I Want to live healthy and longer.." The Doctor advised, "Good thought, Get married." The man asked, "Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer." The Doctor said, "No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought."

.................................................

Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."

Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot' n'Spicy, "Delicious anytime."

Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."

Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."

BIGGEST DOGS IN THE WORLD

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---

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A Little Message

One day a mother died. And on that clear, cold morning,   in the warmth of her bedroom,   the daughter was struck with   the pain of learning that sometimes   there isn't any more.   No more hugs,   no more lucky moments to celebrate together,   no more phone calls just to chat,   No more 'just one minute' Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away.   never to return before we can say good-bye,   Say 'I Love You.'   So while we have it . . it's best we love it . . And care for it and fix it when it's broken and take good care of it when it's sick.   This is true for marriage   .... and friendships .   And children with bad report cards;   And dogs with bad hips;   And aging parents and grandparents   We keep them because they are worth it,   Because we cherish them!   Some things we keep --   like a best friend who moved away   or a classmate we grew up with.   There are just some things that   make us happy, No matter what..   Life is important,   and so are the people we know And so, we keep them close!   I received this from someone today   who thought I was a 'KEEPER'!   Then I sent It to the people   I Think of in the same way! Thank you very much   for   being a special part of   MY Life!     Be kinder than necessary,     For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

--
"Agar aapko koi bhi anjan parcel mile to kripaya use na khole. Usmein BOMB ya phir 'RAKHI' ho sakti hai. Apki jarasi laparwahi apko 'BHAI' bana sakti hai."